Natural Selections Spinach Fails in Breeding Popeye-like Race
Natural Selections Spinach Fails in Breeding Popeye-like Race
A nationwide E. coli outbreak outbreak was traced to Natural Selection Foods, based in San Juan Bautista, California. Food and Drug Administration officials said that they had received reports of illness in 19 states, and issued a statement saying, “We can’t stands no more,” and ordered supermarkets across the country to pull spinach from shelves and consumers to toss out the leafy green.
Natural Selection’s spokesman, Bluto Brutowski, said, “While we underestimated the wimpiness of the American people, our genetically engineered spinach was designed to weed out the weakest consumers and ultimately would help Americans evolve into a Popeye-like race. Through a grant from The United States Department of Homeland Security and extensive Saturday morning focus group testing, Natural Selection’s Popeye Project determined that ‘E. coli friendly spinach’ was the quickest route to a ‘terrorist resistant populace,’ able to withstand bullying from the biggest of brutes. We first developed a genetically engineered yam called, ‘I yam what I yam, and that’s all I yam,’ but it was lethal to wannabes of all varieties. We really thought that spinach was the route to go, but we may have to fall back to our ‘Swee’Pea‘ line of genetically engineered baby foods. Also, we are negotiating financing with J. Wellington Wimpy Federal Bank for a genetically engineered hamburger. Mr. Wimpy, CEO, seemed particularly impressed with our business plan of ‘I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.’ We have had setbacks before, but we are ready to move forward. Natural Selection’s originally tried taking sailors who had genetically engineered large brachioradialis muscles in their forearms and mating them with females who had genetically engineered ‘Olive Oyl‘ body types. Unfortunately, we learned that Olive Oyl is considered a little to ‘chunky’ compared to the contemporary American males’ idealized female body form.
Vice president Bush expressed surprise that The Popeye Project had taken a beating, and he broke into song, singing “I’m one tough gazookus, which hates all palookas, wot ain’t on the up and square, I biffs ‘em and buffs ‘em, an’ always outroughs ‘em, an’ none of ‘em gets nowhere.”
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